Releasing Guilt
Guilt, that heavy feeling of having done something wrong, can be a big hurdle when setting boundaries. We often feel guilt, especially with our families, because we have fixed roles like caretaker or peacemaker that stay with us throughout our lives. We also have strong ideas about how our family relationships should look, how often we should see them, and how we should treat each other. When we don’t meet these expectations, guilt creeps in, making us feel like we’ve done something wrong simply because we need time apart or have different values.
Guilt does have its place. When you’ve truly done something wrong, it’s right to feel bad. A little guilt can push you to do better. But when you or others set impossible standards, guilt becomes a problem. It hurts your self-esteem and makes it hard to stand up for yourself. If guilt is stopping you from setting boundaries, let’s look closer at those feelings. What are the beliefs or expectations behind your guilt?
Think about a boundary issue or a person who often makes you feel guilty. What’s expected of you in this situation that makes you feel guilty? Understand that feeling guilty while making healthy choices for yourself is part of the process. The more you practice setting boundaries, the less guilt you’ll feel. Practice is key. Say it with me: “Guilt is a sign I think I did something wrong. But I can feel guilty even when I’m doing something right. If I haven’t hurt anyone, my guilt is not helpful. I am not responsible for everyone’s feelings. I am responsible for my needs, and sometimes that means others won’t get their way.”
Sadness
You might feel sad about setting a boundary because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Even if you don’t know how they feel, just thinking about making them sad can make you feel sad. This shows you care about others, and that’s a good thing.
Betrayal
Setting limits with others doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Think of boundaries as a way to keep your relationships healthy while respecting both your needs and theirs. You’re not harming them or the relationship. Your goal is to keep the relationship strong.
Remorse
Don’t second-guess yourself by thinking, “Did I say that? Oh, that came out wrong.” It’s normal to feel unsure after setting a boundary. But remember, setting boundaries is not wrong. Change how you think about boundaries, and this shift will help reduce discomfort.
Manage Your Discomfort
It’s normal to feel emotions like guilt, fear, or relief when setting boundaries. Don’t let guilt stop you from taking care of yourself. Here are some ways to manage those feelings:
– Sit with your feelings
– Journal
– Move your body
– Call a friend
– Cry
– Watch something funny
– Hug someone
– Take a nap
– Tap into a creative activity
By recognizing and dealing with these feelings, you can better respect your needs and build healthier relationships.
